4-18-08 - The Unexpected

As a former social studies teacher I have been trained to anticipate the “expected.” After all, if we don’t learn from history we are doomed to repeat it aren’t we? I have found too many times I presume a person’s behavior simply by similar experiences I’ve had in the past with similar individuals. Heck, I have even been praised for my anticipatory actions based on my dealings with the “teenage herd.” Recently, a very handsome athletic director commented to me about the hours that football coaches spend reviewing films of other teams. By the time their own workouts come around, they can share with their team what percentage of the time the opponent will be successful on any given play simply by predicting other teams actions based on these films.

Sociologists spend their entire careers observing human interactions and the likelihood that certain patterns of behavior repeat itself. I was pondering on these thoughts when a good friend sent an email with the following paragraph summarizing the events of a lifetime:

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back... Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God. (Author unknown) This “predictive” advice I thought was quite good. How many times do school officials counsel children because someone did not “perform” at the level expected. Parents are supposed to be loving,supportive and self-sacrificing… but at times they are not. We have many kids attempting to shield themselves from the pain inflicted by parents who were/are not mature enough to assume their role in the family. Teachers are supposed to be fair, intellectually challenging, and unable to feel the pain of rejection by their students. Gangsters assume that the police officer they are shooting on the street is a blob of computer-generated electrons without a family who depends on him. Young girls routinely find themselves in tears because young “Romeo” broke their heart. We have certain expectations of “normal” and how “normal relationships” ought to be… Many times the pain of previous relationships is projected onto others in an attempt to shield from future suffering. I am afraid may times we attempt to live in world of “shoulda” “woulda” coulda.” And we don’t allow ourselves to experience the fullness of life’s experiences. The armor that some use to protect themselves is in fact keeping them from the richness of life’s adventures. I recall Brenda from an earlier blog; as a new transfer to our school she was never able to put the guard down long enough to see that despite the fact she had been bumped from foster home to foster home there were indeed some adults who genuinely cared for her. Her mental “paradigm” of painful relationships prevented her from gaining the love and support that she desperately needed. By pushing others away with hostility, she was in fact protecting herself from all the painful “films”running through her memory. I wonder if she will ever have a loving relationship based upon her life experiences? As humans we have all been hurt in someway, just as we have hurt others. If we go through life expecting that “everyone is out to get me” we are doomed to a life of turmoil. However if we teach our child that pain in inevitable, given that all humans “drop the ball” from time to time, perhaps we can equip them to deal with the uncertainty of the world. This may come in the form of distance from an emotionally unhealthy relative or friend, or letting go of an abusive relationship. Teaching them to expect the “unexpected” is the key to humanity as well as the way to push through the pain of their childhood and find the path to healthy relationships.