"Home Sweet Home"... you see this sign hanging in many houses, but... what does it really mean? I had an interesting conversation with one of Royal's brightest teachers. She had given her students a short writing assignment asking them to substitute the word "Sweet" with another taste. She told me that the overwhelming response to the assignment bewildered her... "Home Bitter Home." Bitter?? Now Hollyweird will not let us forget that the era of Beaver Cleaver is gone forever, but come on, BITTER? Why are our homes bitter? How did we get here? How do we escape? Is this a normal cycle in society?
I started my morning by counseling two reasonable young men that "life is hard enough, we don't need to wound each other by teasing in a hurtful way." Both young men agreed, shook hands and agreed to "stay out of my office"... until the next time... Bitter?
Lunch supervision was interrupted by two young men who "used hateful words" and ended up in the principal's office for fighting... Bitter?
And lest I forget, Matt... he and a young chum (both in 9th graders) were one again back in the office this time for ditching class and urinating behind the baseball dug out, all on Matt's first day back from suspension. Matt, an intelligent young man once again decided to run... actually he might be a good way for the staff to fight the battle of the bulge, where is that darn track coach when you need him? Ok, now I'm bitter!
Matts chum, Glen, just a few moments earlier was a tough man peeing on the dug out, but soon after he was crying. You see being a "jaded" school administrator I suspected a bit more than a natural urge and found marijuana in his pocket. He immediately began sobbing and said this is what my mother wanted, she wants to me to go to juvenile hall. Bitter?
How did our kids get so bitter? I am guilty as the next person using words to wound. Turn on your television (formerly known as the parent of the 21st century) and the highest rated shows are filled with a marathon of cut downs. My favorite TV show is "House." Now I am a real good role model for our children aren't I? Dr. House's sarcasm and general nastiness is what makes this show great! I commented to a colleague last week, that I get most of my "A" material from Dr. House... but why?
When was the last time you heard someone in your household celebrate the small victories of life? Or... when was the last time we (I) nag with any little detail which is out of sorts. There have been many times I have wanted to stick a sock in a parent's mouth when they publicly berate their child. I have heard parents tell their children, "I have given up on you," "Why can't you be like your brother/sister," "You are stupid." Folks words hurt! And... once you have unleashed those demons there is no way to cram them back into your mouth!
There are some cases where kids just choose the wrong crowd and get led astray, but more often than not, unruly teenagers are attempting to "punish their parents" for years of lousy parenting. When was the last time you told your teenager you loved them and was proud of them? Of course you will probably have to hide the I-Pod first, but you get my point.
Teenagers as much as little kids need parents. Parents who routinely set boundaries AND ENFORCE THEM. Parents who love unconditionally, but will not accept less than their best. They do not need a best friend to have beer parties in the back yard for all their friends. Being "cool" is not good parenting. And most of all, good parenting involves taking the time in this hectic world to stop and give love and affection to teenagers... even if they don't want it.
Perhaps I get the most angry at parents when their child is in the office in real trouble both with school and sometimes the police department, and when I ask them to come pick up their child, I hear... I am just to busy right now. WHAT?? This is YOUR child, YOUR responsibility. Please do not get to the school at your convenience, do not make excuses for your child's bad behavior or blame the school or someone else. This is your opportunity to to show your teenager how much you care, yet reaffirm your (and society's) expectation for them. Good kids make stupid decisions from time to time... the learning part which follows is the critical element.
My dad is a pretty remarkable man, but I guess what I recall the most about his parenting during my teenage years is first he always stopped what he was doing (even amongst his buddies) to give me a hug and kiss when he saw me. And secondly, he told me "I can't force you to do anything, but understand bad decisions will result in real consequences." And trust me there were. I now use this phrase on truants. Teenagers are wanting to break free, even if they are not emotionally equipped to do so yet... parenting this age is difficult, learning when to let go and when to hold on tight.
If we are to face the epidemic of "bitterness" in our society, we need to take the time to stop and actually face it. "The Village" is not responsible for raising our children, we are. And unfortunately, if we don't take time to do it our kids will find a cheap replacement such as the "village" gang or dulling their pain with drugs.
