A couple a weeks ago I convinced my boss to let me go to a conference outside of the county. When I read the name, I knew it was training that I needed and I needed to bring it home… the title, “Mean Girls.” After reading the book, Reviving Ophelia, by Mary Pipher some years ago I have made it my battle cry to bring to light all the awful pressures that we place on teenage girls. How our young women can make it through adolescence without imploding is simply beyond me.
Our school is no different, you see them everyday… smiling trying to fit in or just the opposite, pretending that they just don’t care about societal norms; either way they are hurting inside. Guess I took the easy road given I have two Shih Tzus, (who are Queen Bees themselves) but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that parents need some heavy duty help in leading their daughters through this rough time. If you saw the movie, “Mean Girls,” starring Lindsey Lohan (I know kinda ironic) you will understand what I am talking about. This movie was based on a book, Queen Bees and Wannabes… Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends and Other Realities of Adolescence written by Rosalind Wiseman. I recommend every parent read this book. Heck, I wish my own mother had read this book.
Because I coached cheerleaders and spirit groups in suburban Dallas, I am asked to judge cheerleader tryouts at our school each year. It is the highlight of my year, in that I view cheerleading as a sport. Watching these girls compete is an awesome experience. Unfortunately, not every girl makes the squad. After attending the "Mean Girls" conference I caught myself wondering about the dynamics of our own students throughout this process. Teen movies are notorious for making the cheerleaders prime candidates for the "mean girls." Well, of course the way they present "school officials" is less than flattering too. Who could forget the principal in Ferris Bueller's Day Off or the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher? I think it is grossly unfair to label a certain group of girls as the “mean girls.” It has been my observation that the “mean girls” can be the ones of any clique who are climbing the food chain to the top ranks. Because of uncertainty of their position, they will tear down other girls to make themselves appear in control.
To obtain status in the “herd” girls can become down right nasty. The popularity game and girl battles dates back generations, but never in history have we witnessed the widespread psychological damage of this generation. Through our counseling offices we routinely deal with cutters, eating disorders, girl on girl bullying, gossip, Internet slander, theft, gangs and suicide attempts. I have blogged myself about the rise of girl gangs in our city and the apathy I personally witnessed as an ambulance drove one of its victims away. This year we’ve dealt with two felony assaults (both girls) in one of the safest cities in America. Boys are easy… they roll around on the ground for a couple minutes punching each other, then it is over… girls are a much different story. I routinely “diffuse” girl issues that began in elementary school. When girls are hurt emotionally they hang on for dear life. When all seems calm, they bring it out of their bag of weapons to use yet another day. I have found the most effective wayto deal with this is by sitting the girls in the same room… allowing them to yell and cry and get it out of their system. Eventually they run out of steam and “hurt” and move on to the next drama.
As pointed out in the “Mean Girl” conference, I had been missing the most important part… forgiveness. My advice had been “You don’t have to like each other, but you have to co-exist and we will have none of this immature behavior on this campus.” Well duh… wasn’t very supportive was I? What I will do in the future is speak of forgiveness… there is a scene in the movie where a teacher has all of the 11th grade girls in the gym… she asks them to close their eyes and raise there hand if they have ever been hurt by another girl… most hands go up. Then still with eyes closed she asks them to raise their hands if they have ever said anything nasty about another girl… yet again hands go up.
Helping our girls understand that they do not live in a perfect world, and just as they hurt people, they are to forgive those to hurt them. Novel idea huh? Think I’ve heard this before, how about you? If we are to live in this nutty world, we have to learn to let go of pain. As my pastor, Rick Warren, pointed out a few weeks ago in his sermon, when we hang on to hurt, we are the only ones hurting. The object of our pain isn’t suffering from our bitterness. So the only logical thing to do is to forgive the person and let it go.
Now before I begin a chorus of KumByYa, let me end by saying we all get hurt… if I can make it through the day without being call the “B” word I’ve had a good day. Teaching our young girls how to channel their hurt by writing it down, talking to a positive role model or maybe even blogging will allow them to deal with the insanity of the world without turning the focus on themselves. Personally, I have asked a friend in probation if he would help me present this information in a parent seminar in a couple months… I have a feeling I will have more blog material in the future.
