One of the first eating establishments I was introduced to in the Golden State was a restaurant named, Soup Plantation. I remember walking in, looked to the left and I saw a nice array of soups, then to the right and noticed a spread that would make Bugs Bunny proud. I immediately turned to my colleagues and said without hesitation... where's the food? You see in the South soups and salads are appetizers you eat before the main course, AKA... MEAT! My mother raised a carnivore and I take much pride in saying I have never seen a "Happy Cow" in Texas! Heck, why should they be happy... they know it is only a matter of time before they end up marinated with Billy Bob's rich and tangy barbecue sauce.
For forty-something years I have prided myself as a "meat-eater." I would laugh loudly at all my California friends (both male and female) who ordered salads for lunch while I enjoyed my favorite critters sandwiched between two slices of bread! This week... the "critters" got their revenge! For about a week I had an odd feeling in my stomach so I made an appointment with my doctor for Tuesday morning expecting a lecture about my eating habits and a couple pills. Monday afternoon my boss walked into my office, saw the look on my face and declared, "Go to the emergency room now"!!!
As you can imagine I am not the world's best patient! After all I have places to go, people to see and things to do! Once again I thought I would get some blood drawn and they would send me on the way. Oh no, next thing I knew, I was hooked up to an IV and was forced to drink this concoction that tasted like someone had gone to the utility closet and mixed every cleaning agent there! I laughed at the fella who left me two lollipops thinking... do I look 4 years old? After one sip of this mess I KNEW WHY!!! I thought I would blow bubbles out my nose if I breathed too hard. I looked desperately for a place to dump the junk... but no luck!
After hours of tests, the ER doctor came in and told me what I already knew... I don't know what is wrong with you! The best he could surmise was somewhere around the first bend of my large intestine laid the results of two episodes of the stomach flu, screaming parents, pot-smoking kids and an entire herd of unhappy cows! And... by the way, your potassium was depleted! As I lay in that awful hospital bed I thought to myself, "Pam you are not 20 years old anymore, you need to take better care of yourself." " No longer can you live somewhere between Jack in the Box and Carl's Jr."!
Now that I had successfully scared everyone in the office, I returned to work the following day with the same sharp pain in my left side. And... for some reason all the imps running around knew this because I ended up suspending six kids! Evidently they had way to much time on their hands during the holidays, because they wanted to roll around on the ground like a bunch of chimps during lunch. "Some dude said something to my friend's girlfriend, and you just don't mess with my friends!" Honestly I felt so bad I don't remember all the details, but I do remember one kid using the the word "hell." I spun around in my office doorway and yelled, "Son, I don't want to hear that word in this office unless you are talking about a geographical location... and this isn't church"!!!! I looked up to see smirks on everyone's faces, then looked down to see a puzzled look on the kid... I think he was still trying to figure out what the word, "geographical" meant.
I had just completed the paperwork for the four kids associated with Hellboy's rumble, when Debbie walked into my office. A teacher had called with a tip that a drug deal had just happened... in her classroom. I immediately grabbed one of counselors (who happened to have previously employed by the Juvenile Youth Authority) and escorted the participants to the office. Immediately my colleague found the pot in one of the young men's shoe... the "seller" was in my office and started crying that "he didn't do it." Now I had three witness statements indicating otherwise, so I knew he was lying to me. The problem was ... he didn't have any money on him!
Eventually the young man who purchased the pot informed us that he did not have time to pay the guy before we walked into the room. Given poor track records with the California courts we opted to only request the young man with the pot in his possession be cited by the police. I did suspend the seller based on the statements of other students.
Now my stomach was killing me and all I wanted was some peace... I didn't get it! First the seller's father wanted to argue his son's point... later his mother came in and demanded that we "do something" about all the drug dealers on campus... uh, I thought that is what I just did with her son?!!! Finally they left and I walked into the Nurse's office to weigh in for our campus version of "The Biggest Loser" and let the School Nurse poke tummy friendly herbs down my throat. Now feeling even more frustrated, after realizing just how much weight I had gained, I just wanted to go home! As I walked out of the office I turned to our lead campus supervisor and said... I am going home to make vegetable soup, I have handled all the "belly-aching" I can deal with for one day!!
