I am quite secure in my sanity despite the recent "ribbing" I have taken my friends and co-workers regarding my new obsession of Facebook. For those of you who have not come over to the darkside, Facebook is an online social networking site that allows people all over the planet to share thoughts, photos, updates etc... that link to their "friends" together via news feed. Given I have always considered myself a student (teacher) of sociology, this absolutely fascinates me! I have so many well defined "chapters" of my life, it has given me the opportunity to "marry" each chapter and connect an otherwise disjointed group of people in my life. I am quite thrilled that I now have 186 "friends" and absolutely love being able to "get to know them" on a much deeper level.
I mention this not only to publicly admit my psychosis, but to share a comment that touched my heart which was posted on high school friend's Facebook wall, "I have came a long way from my humble beginning in XXXXX. I was made fun of, mocked, talked about and ignored. But I wouldn't take anything for my journey. I never could have made it without the Lord." This precious person always had a bright beautiful smile and I would have never guessed that there was a deep hurt in her life. The truth of the matter is that we were ALL insecure kids who grew up in rural Southern Arkansas... none of us had anything to really brag about given our limited knowledge and experience of the world around us. But... our little high school like any other had it's share of narcissism.
All too often, I deal with teenagers living in cities 100 times the size of my own small hometown that could quote the exact words. Teenage years are painful! Other teenagers make it more painful than it has to be! And regardless of their location or position in life, they all feel the bumps and bruises and hopefully come out on the adult side prepared for the real world. As adults we "know" how to set social boundaries... or do we?
We are bullied as kids, which set us for a plethora of adult mental conditions... enabling, obsessive compulsive disorders, narcissism, addictive disorders only to name a few. As I see it, we are failing to teach our kids how to set "boundaries" with those around them. One of the best books I've read is by Christian author, Henry Cloud, entitled Boundaries. While in Texas, I co-taught a book study of Boundaries in our church, and I was amazed by all the "I've got it all together" women who were deeply touched by this book... including myself!
Being in school administrator in post-Columbine America, I quote this book often. When children are bullied to the point they bring weapons to school and kill their classmates and the adults to failed to do anything about their pain, we have a problem. School officials can suspend bullies over and over and it will not solve the problem. We need to equip our kids how to deal with those who routinely make stupid comments.
Children need to be taught how to develop "healthy boundaries" with their peers. As adults we face this every day! This week I had three examples of it myself. A number of campus security officers came to my office complaining of one of their co-workers who constantly crossed from his area to theirs to tell them how to do their job. As you can imagine they weren't very happy about the situation. I used the analogy of playing volleyball and just when the ball is coming your direction some hot shot steps in front of you and spikes it over the net... It pisses you off! Yet, everday we deal with folks who jump in front of us ready to whack the ball. I had a similar conversation with a colleague about a "pet project" of mine... stay off of my court!
When discussing a former boss, my current principal always asks me the same question, "Why do you give him so much power to upset you"? Not everyone is going to like you, accept you, or think that you are the most smart/gifted/beautiful person on the earth. So why do we care so much what these people think? By allowing their negativity to effect our mood or even feelings about ourselves we are in essence giving them "power over us."
If I had a quarter for every kid I suspended who fought because, "he was mad-dogging me" or "she called me fat/ugly/thin/homely etc... " I could retire and write this blog professionally! We are failing to teach our kids the appropriate way to deal with criticism. Sure it hurts, but chances are, the bully who said those things are feeling pretty crappy about themselves too or they wouldn't be saying those things in the first place. Think about it, happy people are not overly critical.
Furthermore, as adults when did it become OK to verbally berate others? This week I hung up on a mother who blamed the school for her child's ditching. Then she proceeded to begin cursing... I first told her to calm down, then when she dropped a "GD" on me, I simply hung up on her... she can just explain her kid's behavior to the judge! Folks you do not have the right to be verbally abusive to folks doing their jobs! And yes, we have the right to hang up on you or march your behinds out the front door when you do so! Sometimes even in families it is necessary to put distance between those we love to stop verbal abuse and remove toxic behavior from our lives.
There will ALWAYS be bullies... from rural southern Arkansas to Los Angeles. It is our job to teach our children healthy boundaries, and model them ourselves. Giving abusive folks power over us, only hurts us. By stepping back realizing that the problem is with the abuser, is the ONLY way to defeat them and allow the healing to begin.
